Dear Marie,
It’s unfortunate. I woke up and thought about my conversation last night with your sister Grace. It was you asking Grace, “Did you get a gift for Dad for Christmas?” That really stuck because for over a decade a gift for your own mother hasn’t even hit the radar.
It hurts. Not because you actually need to get me a gift. I love you anyway. For me, it’s not about an item; it’s the belief that only your father deserves gifts. Why? Your answer to purchasing a gift for him based on a question your sister asked was, “Because he’s Dad.”
Heart sink, yet again. I guess being a mother doesn’t deserve the same acknowledgement. Why? These are the words that came from you which has helped me piece together the answer to that why. “You ruined my childhood. Dad said you ruined our lives by your decision to divorce.” These words from your 14 year old lips stuck with me, and now based on your current words at the age of 24, “Dad does so much for me. He pays for this and provides me with that and he bought…”
Do you understand this? I didn’t leave for another man! I walked away from a financially secure future with your father inheriting millions in rental properties from his parents, giving away our own rental property rights along with alimony and child support to him. Why? Because I finally learned self-worth was worth more than money. I was worthy of receiving love expressed in all its forms because I gave it 100% all I had with little to nothing in return for nearly 27 years of my life. As much as I deserved warmth, affection and reciprocity, so did you and Grace deserve the modeling of these values between two adults, your parents.
My take aways this morning as I thought about the gift conversation is self-worth and unconditional love. I felt horrible making the decision to leave a loveless and unequal marriage. In fact I stayed as long as I did because of the two of you until I realized that remaining might actually be more harmful than leaving as was discussed through months of therapy.
Money, although I love it and wish I had not walked away and signed off all my rights to it when divorcing, is not my core value—love is. Love for you and your sister and love for myself. At this time in your life, you Marie, see love as the money your father spends and continues to spend towards your college education, your medical needs, your psychological needs and all of your living expenses. I do not have that money. I gave it to your father by stepping down from it, so in fact I am indirectly providing for you as well. Your father is the manager of the alimony money, child support money and the Claremont rental property money I left with him.
What I do have to offer, and what I’ve always had to offer, is unconditional love, warmth and affection. Unconditional love may be the most important part of this piece of writing. Although you really don’t understand it, unconditional love is THE most important gift anyone could give you. This kind of love teaches another human, if not especially one’s own child, that you are WORTHY OF LOVE no matter what. No matter how smart you are (or not), how pretty you are (or not) or how talented you are (or not). Unconditional love Marie is what I have for you. I love you even if you choose not to love me or express it to me. It’s free. No strings attached. It’s unstoppable. It’s honest. It’s true. This is what I can and do give you—always— and I hope some day you’ll understand it’s value.
I love you Kirstin, unconditionally forever.
Mom (Mama)