Friendship Prenuptial

To Readers: What are your nonnegotiable with friends/relationships? What do you want your friendships and relationships to be like?

I am a recovering codependent and am currently working the “Quit People Pleasing Program.” A little over two weeks ago, I had to put my people pleasing recovery to the test. After a very stressful week, I knew I needed to take care of myself by getting out of town for a couple of days to reset my brain and rest. With much certainty in knowing what I needed to regroup, I canceled a dinner date with a new friend and gave her a 24 hour heads up.

“Okay. I’ll freeze the soup. Have fun,” was her response. I chose to believe her words, “Have fun,” as sincere. However, I’ve since learned those words were disingenuous because since that day, I’ve heard not one word from her despite a couple of attempts on my part to reach out. I’ve been asking myself, “How could this be? No contact from her for 2 1/2 weeks. Really?” Yes. Really.

Unfortunately, I’ve seen my old worry patterns returning. How can I make this person happy? What if she spreads rumors like my ex-husband did? How do I not hurt her feelings? How could this be happening? Should I write a text explaining myself better?

Instead of returning to my old patterns of behavior by texting, assuming all responsibility for having disappointed her in order to create peace in the relationship, I have refrained. This time I am determined to simply stay grounded in knowing my intentions were pure. I simply needed to refill my empty cup even if it meant I might have to disappoint someone else which it obviously did.

There have been multiple times I’ve wanted to send a text, stop by her house or call. These were my old people pleasing symptoms–my former addiction–to make someone else happy at my own expense. By stopping myself from compulsively reaching out to smooth something over, I’ve been able to observe this person’s ability to handle disappointment. There is no communication on her part even the couple of times I did try to text her.

During my early days of codependency recovery, I would have not stopped thinking I had done something wrong. I would have questioned my actions to death. I would have been tortured by someone not liking me.

One night a week later, a feeling of peace came over me as I asked myself, “Would I show someone compassion if they felt the need to cancel a dinner because they needed to take care of themselves?” My answer? Absolutely! Isn’t it odd she hasn’t once reached out to say, “Hi,” or respond to any texts? Yes! Was my intention to hurt this person? No way! For the last few years I have become more and more resolute that if I wouldn’t treat someone that way, I will no longer let someone else treat me that way. Mutual kindness is now an expectation, not an exception.

Another level of awareness has come to my attention as well. Without passing blame I realized that this friendship wasn’t meant to be and that is OK! She is looking for someone who will be there for her at all times and I am looking for a friend who can respect my need to speak up for myself and take care of myself. It’s simply not a match. And with each passing day I feel more comfortable in accepting what is instead of trying to fix things or over think the situation.

This experience has also strengthened my resolve to only have friends who hold honesty as a fundamental value not to be negotiated. If you tell me, “Have fun,” then mean it! Otherwise don’t say it! Feel free to call me or text me and gently express your disappointment because I know that from there can we have honest conversations and build a foundation of trust. Punishment (ghosting) for not taking care of another person’s needs is no longer acceptable for me in a friendship/relationship.

With a healing heart from so many past dysfunctional relationships, I am now able to find the humor in things. So while explaining this situation to a friend I thought to myself, I should create a Friendship Prenuptial Agreement. I don’t think I’d ever have the guts to actually go through with it, but it can serve as a reminder should I get thrown off course by someone else’s unhealthy patterns of behavior triggering my own. See if this is something you could use as well. Here goes…

Tina’s Friendship Prenuptial Agreement:

Before we enter into a friendship there are some things you need to know and agree to. Please read through the following contract and if you can promise to do your best to adhere to the nonnegotiables stated below, we can proceed. Otherwise let’s part ways now and save each other a whole lot of wasted time and energy.

Nonnegotiable #1 = Honesty

I will respect you if you tell me the truth (even if it hurts) as long as it is done respectfully and gently. By you being honest with me, it will give me the freedom to be honest with you which will build a solid foundation for our friendship.

Nonnegotiable #2 = Do not ghost me!

If you’re unhappy with something, let me know you need a little space and that you will reach out in a reasonable amount of time to talk through the experience with compassion and kindness. I will do the same for you.

Nonnegotiable #3 = Reciprocity

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you–The Golden Rule. In other words, I will be compassionate and kind to you. I will be there for you. I will listen; however, I expect the same from you. If I notice that I’m constantly over giving and you’re over taking, it’s over. Period.

Nonnegotiable #4 = No More Drama

I understand you will have difficult days, we all do. Ghosting, passive aggressive behaviors, gossiping and throwing negative words towards me are unacceptable and will result in a termination of the friendship. Rest assured I will not do any of the above behaviors listed either.

Nonnegotiable #5 = Own it!

If you make a mistake own it, I will too. Take responsibility for your actions. I do not tolerate blaming or behaving like a victim. This ties back to honesty.

In summation, if you are kind, compassionate, honest and trustworthy, I’ll be your friend because that is what you will find in me.

My Motto: A relationship should make both people better versions of themselves. Both participants should shine and shine brighter because the friendship fills them both.

Signed:

Readers: Thoughts? What would you do? What are your nonnegotiable with friends/relationships?