*If you are navigating estrangement and would like to explore pathways toward re-membering who you once were and rebuilding your life with the support of positive community, visit GreatDamesPathways.com.
Reader: How have you estranged from yourself?
In a half an hour I’ll be recording a podcast (Re-tired: New Tread –Apple and Spotify) on something that I discovered this fall when I was unearthing the focus of my soon to be launched retreat business. As usual I begin deep dives with definitions and so I’ld like to begin here too.
Estranged:
- When you are no longer close, friendly or affectionate
- No communication, hostile, separate lives, lacking interest
To alienate:
- To arouse hostility or indifference when there had formerly been love, affection or friendliness
- To make people stop liking or caring about another person
To dissociate:
- To disconnect or separate
- Disconnect from reality, thoughts, feelings and identity to cope with overwhelming situations like trauma or stress
- To feel numb, unaware of feelings
Something clicked when I thought about how I became estranged from my daughter. I thought about my book, After the Burn, and how I had written a lengthy chapter about Self-Abandonment. Isn’t that exactly what estrangement is? Abandonment?
Then I thought, if I had been true to myself, beginning with my choices after my college graduation, perhaps I wouldn’t have had an estrangement with my daughter. Instead of pursuing my dreams to live, work and travel in Spanish speaking countries or Norway, I panicked.
I was afraid of losing the known, the predictable and doing something entirely on my own. So I made the choice to forgo my dreams and went running after my boyfriend to his university town choice and help him pursue his dreams in the hopes that he would marry me. And after one year of me practically begging for a commitment each day, the proposal did come. Two daughters and a divorce later I should have known…When you get married, you shouldn’t be the only one excited, nor should you have to ask repeatedly for the proposal! If you do, think like the move name, He’s Just Not That Into You!
It’s true! If I had pursued my own dreams, I would not have abandoned myself and the truth is my ex wouldn’t have either. He didn’t really want to get married, but because that’s what society says you do after getting an education, that’s what he did. Checked that box.
Had I not followed the rules that were taught to me by my mother and by society at that time (early 1990s), I would have lived a far different life. In fact, I’d be living very closely to the life I’m living now. With age comes not caring so much about others’ opinions. With my mother having passed–the person who had the largest impact on teaching me how to be a “proper” young lady– I put myself aside on focused exclusively on someone else’s dreams, goals and passions. It took divorce, the passing of my very strong willed mother, my eldest daughter’s estrangement and my youngest daughters high school graduation, to finally re-member what I wanted to do with my life. I was finally free to be me!
I realized my deepest desires and dreams never changed since college. They were simply buried and forgotten to make everyone else’s life happy by centering on their goals and dreams. This past decade has been about re-membering who I am deep down and rebuilding my life to match.
So self-estrangement, how would I define it?
Self-Estrangement = When your life looks nothing like the answers you would give to these questions.
Who am I now?
Where do I want to live?
What are my goals or dreams for the future?
What makes me happy?
What is my purpose?
Do I even like my job, friends or family ?
Do you want to re-member yourself? Do you want to become the person you also wished you wanted to be, but didn’t have the courage or opportunity to develop that person? It’s possible! I’ve done it! I’m living it. Don’t give up! You only live once.
Hugs!
Tina