*Goal = To think about what is in your sphere of control. Don’t look to someone or something to change your situation. Look inside yourself and begin to ask, “What can I do for myself to create a life full of peace, purpose and joy whether or not the person I love is in my life or not. What will be my new purpose? What can I do to take something so painful and make something beautiful and meaningful out of it?” Use the Taj Mahal as an example.
*The Tools = Let them and let go (acceptance).
I love Mel Robbins and Let Them is the title of her new book. I don’t know if I’ll even need to read this book (sorry Mel) because I think she captured the entire set of pages in these two words perfectly–Let them! Genius! And something I’ve come to learn from a high conflict divorce, gossiping ex friends and acquaintances, and most of all my formerly estranged daughter–let them. Let them say, do and be without intervention and control on my part.
Let’s talk about the Serenity Prayer used at all the “Anonymous” meetings. It is the key to accepting whatever is happening and focus on your own life, on what you can control. For those of you who may not know it, here goes…
God (however you address your Higher Power), grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference. On my journey through healing I had to understand that the one thing we really have no control over is other people. We may think we do. We may think we can alter people’s actions and manage their emotions if we just work hard enough at it. Maybe it’ll work, maybe for a time, but not for the long term.
I once read somewhere a perfect example and it goes something like this…you can take the teeth out of a lion, but it’s still a lion. So true. My marriage was the perfect example and so was the divorce. I thought I could save my husband and save the marriage if “He could only change.” He tried therapy because I threatened him to leave. Did he want to go to therapy? No. Did he? Yes. Until when? Until I filed for divorce. Therapy was to placate me. It was not for him; therefore, he didn’t continue with therapy and demonstrated he did not want to make changes. He hasn’t changed to this day. A lion is a lion.
As for my estranged daughter, I tried everything I could to communicate with her. Texts, emails, gifts, notes, driving by my former home she shared with her father. Did anything make a difference? No. Her decision was made. This is how she wanted to cope with a divorce and with me until she was ready to let me back into her life.
Let’s go back to the Serenity Prayer. Slowly I had to learn to accept. I had to accept she wanted to be estranged for her reasons (and I suspect her father’s as well). Let her. I had to accept that my ex-husband would not support the 50/50 custody agreement. Let him. These are the two hardest things I have ever had to accept.
“The courage to change the things I can” meant looking at myself. What were my roles in the marriage and high conflict divorce? What could I have done differently to avoid an estrangement?
This, in fact, took great courage to look myself in the eye and admit, “Perhaps I wasn’t perfect. Perhaps there were things I too could have done differently.” When I stopped blaming everyone else and started looking inward to figure out which parts of myself were not so impeccable, this was the beginning of transformation into a better version of myself.
Why am I sharing this specifically now? Well, it’s the holiday season and whatever you’re facing always seems to be hardest at this time of year. My intention is to share through my words something that might help you get through this time because you don’t feel as alone. There is someone who has been there, someone that has felt what you are feeling, someone that can give hope.
My life is not perfect. I accept that life will always hurl challenges physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s nothing personal. Because I overcame an excruciatingly painful estrangement and divorce, I know I can pretty much overcome most anything. Know this about yourself too! You’re building strength to handle life better and differently in the future because of your estrangement.
Hugs!