To Reader: Question = What can you do for your estranged loved one with whom you have little to no contact? Answer = Become an example of integrity and strength.
Ouch! It’s a potential fire evacuation again which comes two weeks after returning from the last one. For both my daughters we have a group text and when it comes to major events, like an evacuation, I want both girls to know at the same time.
Normal relationships would mean interaction, consistently. It would mean both girls would respond to news when any or either of us has something noteworthy to share. The last evacuation I felt a sting. Like how is it possible to not respond to your mother who is sharing news of a fire with the potential to burn down the family home?
I asked myself again and again, “Should I have let her know? Does she think I’m stirring up drama? Am I stirring up drama? What is my intention with sharing?” The honest answer is I hate drama and the point of the text is simply to keep them informed. I’m leaving. I’m their mother and I would think they would want that information.
Last night I gave them the heads up that evacuations were beginning again. It’s not drama. It’s a matter of passing on information that should be meaningful and wanted by the people you love and love you back. In my mind this is normal family/relationship behavior–to inform each other about what is going on.
To me a normal response would be, “Hey mom. I’m sorry. I love you. Please keep me posted as to where you are and the status of the fire.” Is that really too much to expect or assume? Um. No. It’s normal. However, estrangement and parental alienation are not normal. They are extreme behaviors due to unaddressed family dynamics.
I’d like to make it clear that my youngest daughter shares. She comments. She asks opinions and we both communicate on the group chat as well as privately with each other.
My eldest daughter Marie interacted as well on our group chat over the past 3 years, but since moving back to her father’s home it has waned to virtually non existent interactions and only one way at that with Marie occasionally sharing information and sometimes photos. Will she answer questions? No.
This afternoon I had a calming thought as I was journaling my feelings about not responding to my evacuation text. It prompted me to write this blog in hopes that it could help you too. Here is what flowed,…
“I feel it is important to let both my daughters know relevant information at the same time so neither one will feel left out. Grace responds. Marie does not. I remind myself that Marie is struggling with her own emotional and physical challenges and is not able to interact. She’s only able to send out texts or call randomly.”
The epiphany is this. My job is to accept her limitations. It’s what she is capable of doing at this time in her life. Am I angry, disappointed and disappointed? Yes. It hurts, but acceptance is key. I need to acknowledge those feelings and then let those feelings go! Ruminating does nothing.
I know how debilitated she is by her father’s nurturing of old, unchanged, dysfunctional family system patterns and inability to parent differently. I know how I contributed by modeling how to be an A+ codependent people pleaser which is now sadly ingrained in her as well.
I have to release worry and frustration and look at what I can do for her. The conclusion I have come to, which is a reiteration of my book, take care of myself and model for her strength, courage, perseverance, positivity and most of all love. Period.