Yesterday my youngest daughter Grace called to talk about everything and anything. She pointed out that the holidays (Thanksgiving and Christmas) are coming up and she wanted to spend them with me. “But Mom, I feel so bad for Dad!” she stated.
Recently I’ve been thinking about my eldest daughter. Even though we are back in touch, would I ever spend another holiday with her? Because the same thing resounds with her as well, “What about Dad?”
I simply can’t understand while simultaneously I TOTALLY understand. It’s always been about their father, his needs, his dreams, his desires and this was before divorce. Many times I’ve asked myself, “Like really Tina, if it was always about him why on earth should I expect that after divorce it would be any different?”
This morning with the gnawing of the holidays and how their father’s feelings, needs and wants are more important than either daughter’s, I had to Google Why do children align with the alienator? I ended up reading an article about five things not to do when being alienated.
The five things not to do listed below are what any normal human would do under the circumstances of estrangement. According to the Men’s Resource Center article by Randy Flood, the following are the things we should not do when faced with alienation:
- The Rejected/Targeted Parents Misunderstand their Children and Personalize the Rejection. Of course that’s what I did! What sane normal parent who loves their kids with all their hearts wouldn’t take it personally?
- The Rejected/Targeted Parents Believes that Increased Punishment and Discipline will Put an End to Misunderstood Attitude and Behavior. Well, Geez, when your teenager (in my case) calls you every four letter word and refuses to come out of her room, stay at your home as per the custody agreement, and tells you every horrific thing you can imagine about yourself, who wouldn’t think it reasonable to give consequences for incomprehensible words and actions?
- The Rejected/Targeted Parents Enlists or Allows Extended Friends to Lecture and Advise the Children. Again, your side of the family, who knows you are a kind soul, is going to want to tell them that this alienation is ridiculous and uncalled for! Any normal family member would! I never enlisted anyone, but I did not disallow them trying to help out by stating the facts.
- The Rejected/Targeted Parent Retaliates Toward the Alienating Parent. Yep! I did. I wrote defensive emails and tried to point out the unfairness of the situation (which the ex showed my estranged daughter). I told everyone I could what the heck was going on. Unfortunately before the estrangement began, I told my 14 year old daughter myself what I had observed as dysfunctional in order to defend the decision I made to divorce.
- The Rejected/Targeted Parents Present as Angry, Argumentative, and Obstinate to Professionals. I check this box as well. I spewed, foamed at the mouth, cursed, cried and looked absolutely maniacal in front of therapists, lawyers and police (Yes, he once called the police on me!) Why? Why could I not hold it together? Because I knew I was honest. I knew I wasn’t lying. I knew I was losing my child to someone who wasn’t playing honestly or fairly in this game he created that I never wanted to participate in. I WAS losing it. The problem was these strangers did not know who I was. They did not know what parental alienation looked like. They did not know how to detect the personality disorders that create estrangement in the first place.
I share this with you in case you’ve gone down this path of doing the five things you now know you shouldn’t have. You did not know. You were normal in reacting like this. You are a human who is up against someone who isn’t fair, and probably never was with you, your kids, or anyone in life.
Stop! Forgive yourself! Give yourself a hug! Congratulate yourself to be alive reading this. You didn’t choose suicide. I didn’t either! Although, like myself, you probably took some time to entertain that thought.
As I read the article this morning, I made a conscious choice not to go back into a psychological loop and ruminate over those years of estrangement hell. I refused this morning to go back there and create another lived hell. Instead I chose to refocus on now.
Now is safe. Now is healed/healing. Now is peaceful. Now is sooo much better than it was even prior to the estrangement.
If you’re thinking Well, you’ve got your child back! No! I don’t! But I do have ME back! I’m no longer spewing, cursing, writhing in fetal position, hating and wishing horrible things upon my ex and blaming him for EVERYTHING! I won’t waste or invest my time in that mental hell anymore.
Instead I write to you… I write to heal us both. I write because you fucking matter! I matter. All of us in this estranged and alienation club–we matter. Your life matters. Your life matters with or without your children. You, as an individual on this big beautiful planet M A T T E R. I’m fighting right now for you and for me!
We deserve to live! We deserve peace! We deserve happiness! We deserve our children/estranged family members in our lives, but we can’t fix or control that piece. We have to let it go with the wind and see what happens.
In the meantime, what I do know is how to help you get back to yourself. I did it! I am doing it! I’m living a fulfilling life and I am thriving. You can too! I am committed to continuing on the trajectory of living a full and complete life and want to help you commit to it also! Let’s support each other and encourage each other. Let’s create a team–an Estrangement Thriver Club.
This article I’m referring to tells you what NOT to do. The author acknowledges that he does not tell you what to do. There are too many variables. There is no magic answer or set of rules. No one has figured out an absolute way to get your loved one back once alienated. That is precisely why estrangement/parental alienation is a living death.
Your hope, as was mine, is to get your alienated children/loved ones back into your life. Everywhere I turned–therapists and lawyers–the advice was the same. Work on yourself. Focus on your life. Don’t force things to happen.
I was speechless. Destroyed. Incredulous. I went through all the stages of grief–denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I know that last piece–acceptance–seems unimaginable. I understand.
There really is only one sure thing you can do and that is to save yourself. Make a life for you. Live your life for you. Rediscover all the things that once made you happy that has nothing to do with your kids or estranged loved ones. This is the key to survival.
Make your one shot at life be about YOU! I’ll help guide you. I’ll keep writing to share each healing step I took. I care. I so care!
Hugs!