It doesn’t end even after unification.
I’ve spent the last few years trying to protect my daughters, my eldest especially, from the truth of my experience. Why? To protect the relationship they have with their father (yes, even after alienation I catch myself protecting him) and myself by receiving more of his suppressed rage.
Both my girls are now adults. Both are dependent on their father financially as they attend school with neither daughter having a job. My eldest, with whom I was estranged for nearly 6 years and have been “reunified” for the past 3 years, returned to live with her father after her college graduation. It has been 1 1/2 years. As this time has passed between us, we’ve had fewer and fewer conversations and texts. I’ve offered to visit. But due to her father’s incapacity to have me anywhere near “his” daughter, I’ve been asked to not come. The result is 1 1/2 years of separation–again.
Do I judge? No. Why? Because I lived the same experience myself. You see my ex could not tolerate my own parents–the girls’ grandparents. He disliked my parents intensely which he made all too clear even before marriage. As a result there were frequent and heavy arguments about when and how often I could visit with my own parents .
They were exhausting conversations that left me depleted, sad, angry and frustrated. To make my living environment smooth with my then husband, I limited time with my parents, even conversations with them on the phone. Due to my lived experience I understand what Grace is experiencing as I myself lived it. From her own words, “Dad is still angry with you!” That anger is what created our estrangement and perpetuates it to this day.
As for my youngest daughter, she understands exactly what is going on with his displeasure and anger towards me. With this awareness comes a multitude of emotions and these emotions are expressed. Being a child without the full deck of information, her rage is often overblown and directed at me–“the safe one”–because I absorb it and don’t manipulate it. The problem for me is receiving the rage and not having the space to tell the full truth and clarify the distorted accusations. Instead, I try to remain calm and listen to help her dispel the pains she endured in silence throughout the divorce and its aftermath.
One daughter withdraws to deal with her father’s anger towards me and the other throws fireballs at me to let go of the pain she has carried and continues to carry. Both girls rely on their father to support them financially with their education and living expenses. Both girls do not know the money I had 50% claim to and was too fearful to claim. Instead I made choices to give away my financial rights in exchange for my emotional well being thus leaving them dependent on their father and resentful towards me.
Why write this? I want you to know that reunification is not a happily ever after ending. In fact the damage that is orchestrated by the estranger is like a slow growing cancer. The tumor can be removed, but it slowly builds and shows up somewhere else until, and if ever, detected again.
I have written a memoir to explain my experience within the marriage, after the divorce and through an estrangement. This experience allowed me to own the dysfunctional choices I made and take responsibility for them. I have earnestly given 100% over the past eleven years to improve and learn from my mistakes and become the strong parent they needed me to be then and now.
However, I refuse to own it all for there are two parts to every relationship and I am done taking responsibility for their father as well. I am done turning the other cheek by stifling the truth of his actions.
For those of you suffering, I wish to tell you, move on! Accept your reality. Own the pain, know that life is unfair and will probably always be in terms of the damage done and continuing to be done to your children. The truth is you may never see them again or have a healthy relationship with them again. But what I’ve learned is, life is still worth living! You are worth living for. You’ve got but one chance to experience life and all the beauty that it holds. Don’t check out! FIGHT FOR YOU!
It is NOT your fault you wanted to have a loving family. It was NOT your fault you chose this person who has thrown a wedge between yourself and your children. You did not know any better. You did the best you could at that time with the knowledge and self-awareness you had at that time. The person you are now is not the person you were then. Forgive yourself.
So what CAN you do? Focus on building a stronger better version of yourself. Create a life for yourself that fills you up spiritually and makes the world a better place. This is what we can do. This is what I am doing. I wish to guide you on the path of thriving. You deserve it! Whether your children reunite with you or not, you have no control over it. But what you can control is YOU and letting life back into your heart and become a beacon for those who are suffering. Learn how to shine your brightest so others can shine too.
I care about you! I want you to thrive. It’s time to live and create a new life for yourself. Turn the page and write a new chapter.