This time my eldest daughter has withdrawn from me more and more the longer she has lived with her father. We were building a relationship when she was finishing up college living only two hours away from each other. There was love; there were visits; there were texts and there were phone calls.
Fast forward, Grace has been living with her father for the past 1 1/2 years, a nine hour drive away. She is now an adult, 24 years of age. Each passing month since her return contact has lessened. It hurts because it feels like another round of estrangement only this time I know I’ve done the work. I know I’ve given 100%. I text nearly every day. I call. I’ve offered to visit. I’ve done all I can. I love. I forgive and I still reach out.
Therapy and Codependents Anonymous (CoDA) has taught me that we cannot control anyone. We can’t make anyone do anything, no matter how much we beg, cry, plead and try to persuade. The only person we can control is ourselves and the only thing we can control is how we respond to life, setbacks and our attitudes.
I’m back to blogging to share with those in my shoes the pain of loving someone so much, of wanting a healthy relationship so deeply yet simultaneously aware of the powerlessness in making that happen. You can bring a horse to water, but you can’t make him/her drink.
So why write? Because although it’s painful, this time I don’t wish to die if I don’t have my daughter in my life. This time I realize that although painful, life is still worth living. And I want YOU to know it too!
If you read my memoir, I talk about erecting my own Taj Mahal in honor of the relationship lost. What got me through the darkest period of my life without Grace in it was focusing on creating a better life for myself and others in honor of the relationship lost. I’m now returning to that place.
YOU reader are now why I wish to pursue a different course in my life. I want to teach you how I recovered. I want to teach you how to thrive even when you are currently in the midst of an estrangement. I promise you life is worth living. YOU are worth living for and fighting for. My blogs are going to be focussed on the various tools you can use to heal yourself from the wounds, love yourself and your estranged child/loved one unconditionally.
I know how you feel and you are not alone. There are more of us survivors of estrangement than you know! I’ll write to you soon, but in the meantime, ask yourself, “When did you experience heaven on earth?” When answering that question, don’t think about the people that “made you happy.” Think about when you were truly happy inside yourself without another person being the reason.
Hugs to you Dear Reader!