More than likely you did not suffer from estrangement because of something horrific you did. In fact if you haven’t already, begin looking up all you can regarding Parental Alienation Syndrome. It’s both relieving and chilling. You will come to discover that in some respects it was already destined to happen to you and brewed within the family dynamics for years, but it manifested when you decided to leave your marriage.
After I separated and well after our divorce, I grieved and felt pain for the loss of my daughter (most of all) but also for the realization that I sacrificed my life for a man who never loved me and never could. But I healed. I healed from the grieving and disappointment. I healed from my estrangement. I learned to accept that my eldest daughter may never be a part of my life again, yet I was still worth living for and so was my life. For nearly six years I obsessively spent learning how to accept my past, accept my current reality and focus on how to move forward and enjoy the life I did have. I believe the steps I took to heal is what ultimately did reunify Marie and I.
As I spoke in last week’s blog, my youngest daughter is beginning to piece together her childhood, the divorce and what my roll and her father’s roll were in the family. She is struggling with acceptance for what is and her father is grappling with loss of control—a difficult situation for them both and both together.
I’m walking a tight rope. I thought I was safe. I thought I had healed so well I could be impervious to the pain my ex could inflict on me. His passive words no longer inflict trauma. The truth is with him directly I am fine. I am strong. But when I hear my daughter suffering from their interactions, I hurt as well.
This leads me to a new discovery. I had no idea that it would be possible to be re traumatized after so much progress had been made in my recovery from the marriage and divorce. As I listen to conversations she has had with her father, it’s like stepping back in time. I’m reliving my past through my daughter’s words. I don’t dare tell her this.
Right now my youngest daughter needs my support. She needs to know she is not alone and validated by her mother who has been there and experienced the same events. I understand all too well the importance of being with people who have shared those same experiences; it is by sharing that we can heal.
Until recently, Grace has kept the details of her conversations with her father to herself. For years she has had to hear her father condemn me and my integrity while doing her best to protect and defend my character. It wasn’t until she began living with me full time during COVID that she was able to see for herself that what was said was in fact not true. There is guilt on her part for having believed it. There is anger for having had to listen to those words then and even now. There is an incredible grieving going on inside her.
The question I keep circling back to is, what now? How do I help her in her healing journey? Is it possible to get to a place when I can be immune to hearing about myself in very painful stories of deception? Can I remain calm when I become further aware of both our daughters being used to hurt me, one of which was used to the extent of a 5 1/2 year estrangement?
As far as my oldest daughter, Marie, we do not talk about the estrangement. I might say to her the things I’ve learned from it that have made me a stronger and better human as well as parent. From researching estrangement and coming to my own conclusions, I now know the importance of remaining silent if there is nothing positive to say about the other parent. Sadly while I went on with therapy to learn how to forgive my ex husband and parent to the best of my ability through the fall out of a high conflict divorce, my ex did not. Instead he continues to project blame and hate towards me onto both our daughters, ultimately hurting them internally.
I end with this greatest revelation. Children are part of both parents. So when one parent continuously tries to destroy the character of the other with truth distortions, he is in essence destroying his own children. I cannot emphasize this enough (read the last chapter of my memoir)—children even if abused want a relationship with their parents. When the child becomes an adult, he/she has the right to determine when and how to choose to pursue that relationship. That decision should not be thwarted by a parent who uses his children to punish the spouse who ended the marriage in order to save herself and more importantly her children.