When I first stepped through my therapist’s door at the onset of estrangement with my eldest daughter I said, “I do not want to repeat my mistakes. I want to learn how to do things differently and most of all I want to find happiness.” During the early stages of healing in that office, she explained to me that my anxiety had to do with living for decades in a perpetual state of emergency.
Living with my ex meant everything was equal to a crisis, an emergency, no matter how insignificant the problems were. Each day I met the world with trepid anticipation. I knew I was safe, but there was always this unconscious awareness that I needed to stay alert in order to avoid a slight electrical shock. Only a handful of times per year did the shock bring me to a place of extreme emotional pain. However, like an elephant who has been trained since infancy to remain on a leash not realizing that being full grown meant the ability to break away, I too did not understand my ability to do the same. So most days I’d tread cautiously to avoid any unnecessary jolts.
Within 18 months after the finalization of my divorce, I had lost my eldest daughter to estrangement and both my parents had passed away. At that time I developed a mantra, “A crisis is a crisis but even THAT I shall overcome,” because I did overcome every crisis. And since those events were crises (not little obstacles to contend with) the small things that previously would bring me to my knees in tears were put into a realistic perspective. They were common problems that we all face just living the day to day. It was then that I stopped overreacting and sweating the small stuff.
Here’s an example of an incredible change in my reactions to daily obstacles. This past Sunday after dropping my youngest daughter off at college from Thanksgiving break, I went back to Sacramento. I’m staying at my friend’s apartment in downtown Sac for a couple of weeks while I cover his position running a cigar shop. The following morning I decided to go on a nice walk and didn’t want to bring all my keys so I opted to carry the front door key only— like an additional key would add that much more weight to my pocket! (I just have to laugh at my thinking sometimes.)
As I returned to the complex, I realized that I had not brought the gate key to enter the apartment complex where I am staying. In the past I would have panicked. I would have started crying by imagining myself staying outside for hours on the steps of the entrance with no bathroom to go to, no work to be done, no car to access and the list would have gone on in my head for hours exacerbating the problem and leaving no brain capacity to find a solution.
This is what it means to heal…I stayed calm and trusted that I would figure things out. At the very worst I could sit patiently for someone to exit the security gate. I could call the manager’s office since I carried my phone. My mind was full of possibilities. As I turned the corner block, out comes a man from the gate. I yelled, “Please leave the gate open! I forgot my key!” And so he waited. We had a brief conversation, Jiji my Great Dane being the topic, and in I went.
While walking through the complex, I realized this is just one of many examples of how I’ve healed from traumas and how that healing has made a difference in my day to day life. I rarely panic if ever these days. My soul now knows that I can trust myself to figure things out. I don’t need to call my therapist for guidance on all my perceived problems. I don’t need to call a long list of friends for their input on resolving my problems.
Instead, I choose to look inward, stay calm and know that there is no crisis that is a crisis that can’t be overcome. Resolutely I say that there are very few crises either. Most problems are simply mini-obstacles to getting to a bigger goal or they are teachers on how to do things better the next time. Life does get easier. Step by step. Hour by hour. Day by day.