Introduction
My name is Tina and I am a mother of two daughters. Within one year after the finalization of my divorce I lost my then 15 year old daughter to estrangement. For reasons I will never quite understand, my relationship with my youngest daughter remained, and still does, intact and stronger than ever. Both girls are now attending college. My youngest, Grace, is 18 and my eldest, Marie, is now 21.
There is much shame and embarrassment when your child rejects you. I remained silent for years. The bulk of my healing came after I attended Marie’s first high school choir performance. That night after sobbing uncontrollably to my dearest friend for a couple of hours, she went to sleep and I still had so much to say. It was that night I found refuge in writing. After a couple of hours of typing my experience onto page after page on the computer, I felt peace. For the first time I realized I finally got to say my truth, my story, regarding our estrangement. I expelled all of my pain from that night and for once I started to feel a rush of calm.
Over the following days, weeks and months, I began to write chapters about current situations happening to both my girls that were deeply painful. Additionally, I wrote chapters that reached back into my past within the marriage and before I married. As I delved deeper into therapy I started to make connections that what had happened to me in childhood was relived within my marriage and again being projected onto my girls.
I continued to write not only because of its healing qualities but I also realized that if I were to die before reuniting with my daughter, Marie (and Grace) would have a book filled with love for her, apologies from me and a true reflection as to how I saw my marriage and why I chose to end it. I wanted Marie to have something she could revisit at anytime that would explain some difficult questions she might have but may not be able to face at the present time.
Writing a book can be a long process and much like any other form of art it evolved. The more I searched for an estrangement community, the more disappointed I felt. There isn’t much out there, or at least not the way I needed it to be. It finally occurred to me that the purpose of the book I was creating had more than one silver lining. If I could help at least one other human who is suffering over the loss of their child/children, then my misery and rising through it would not have been entirely for nothing. I want to help and that is why I’ve decided to blog my way to you!
Throughout these past few years of estrangement, I had thought on and off about blogging but my focus had to be on finishing my book on healing from estrangement first. As it stands I’m on the final stages of publication freeing up the time and mental space to begin writing to you.
My focus will be on sharing with you the silver linings that came with the estrangement. If given the opportunity to reverse time and be the person I was before I lost my daughter, I wouldn’t take it. In fact, I see Marie as my greatest teacher. It would have had to have taken either daughter to do something so drastic as this to make a change in myself. I can truly say that I became a MUCH better parent to my youngest daughter, a better more patient teacher to my students and frankly a better version of myself.
That’s what this blog is for. To let you know you are not alone. Life does get better and if you’re really wanting to become a better version of yourself, this is your place! I’m glad you’re here! Cheers! This is the beginning of a whole new way of thinking and being 🙂