Holidays are tough; I’ve been there! I understand! Although both my girls now 19 and 22 are in my life, it’s Thanksgiving tomorrow and neither will be coming to my home for the feasting day. Both are headed back (as I write) from their college lives to their childhood home with their father.
A year ago I decided to sell the house in the town where I had lived for 30 plus years with my daughters and ex-husband, and move back to my childhood home and hometown. There was something comforting about returning to my roots and living in the mountains with snow again. The same is true for my daughters as they go home now.
I haven’t written a blog post in months, but I felt it might be helpful now for both of us. For you I hope to validate your feelings that it “shouldn’t” be so hard; it’s only another day. The truth is that it is hard. It isn’t just any day. It’s a day we get off of work to be able to spend time with the people we love and the people we love most are our kids and yet if you’re reading this, they’re more than likely not with you. For me I’m writing to acknowledge to myself that it can still be difficult when I am not together with my daughters during the holidays.
After years of therapy and writing a book to heal myself and ultimately my relationship with my eldest daughter, I still find a little pang of envy. They are going home to their dad for yet another holiday. I would never begrudge my ex-husband or any other ex-spouse, so long as the holiday time was split fairly either on each holiday or by alternating the holidays.
Fairness has never been the case for me. Estrangement has simply been a reflection of what has always been–an imbalance of fairness in the relationship between myself and my now ex-husband. I chuckle when I think to myself, why did I expect things to be fair after the divorce if they weren’t fair while married?
Powerless feelings are what keep us hooked in the negativity and trauma of our loss. Instead of focusing on what you can’t do, I’d like to share with you what you CAN do to survive these next few weeks. Do not focus on what you don’t have. Let go of what it used to be and the frustration of not having what you no longer have. Accept this. Accept the situation. Fighting against it will not change anything but leave you more depleted physically and emotionally.
If you’re ready to scream at me, I understand that too. Scream!! Get it out!! Don’t stuff it all down and plow through the day. Cry! Write! Listen to YouTube channels or podcasts from fellow estranged parents. You are not alone. You are not suffering alone. Believe it or not, you will find comfort from hearing other stories from those who have walked in your shoes. By hearing from those who have suffered too you will be walking towards the path of healing. Why? Because you’re willing to face your pain and stop avoiding it. It’s the avoiding it that perpetuates the pain because you cannot begin to heal until you accept the estrangement. I’ll be honest though, it is a slow, excruciatingly slow, process towards healing.
With each year and with each holiday begin to focus on what you do have that is positive in your life. Again it may be as minuscule as remembering the last movie you saw that left you in good spirits or wearing a favorite shirt that feels exceptionally soft or appreciating your dog’s wet, cool, nose when he/she licks you.
Shift your thinking from powerlessness to all the power that is now in your hands, at least when it comes to you, to create the day(s) the way you would like it (them). For example this Thanksgiving, you can make only the items you like, invite the people you want (or not invite the people who’ve always stressed you out), and eat when you want to eat. In fact, you can skip cooking altogether if it doesn’t bring you joy and simply stay in your PJs and watch Netflix. It doesn’t have to be the way it’s “supposed to be.” It’s the way you want it to be and need for it to be to rejuvenate your soul.
My example of changing things was Christmas. I hated writing Christmas cards. I didn’t see the point. My first year divorced I stopped taking “the picture,” turning it into a card and finding the “right” words to tell everyone about what had been going on in my life for the past year. I stopped making Christmas cookies. I only made the one or two varieties I loved instead of a half dozen cookies that everyone else loved. Rather than making two Christmas meals, one on Christmas Eve and the other on Christmas Day, I began to make reservations at a fancy restaurant for a nice sit down meal on Christmas Eve. My stress level finally lessened with each passing Christmas. I can’t say I was happy; I was often miserable wishing I had my girls with me, but at least I had flickering moments of relief because I realized I was no longer working myself to the bone during the Christmas season.
I hope I’ve left you with something helpful and useful. You are the captain of your ship. Decide where you want to sail, who you want to invite on board to be your crew and how you want to get to your destination. Take the time you have without taking care of everyone and figure out what has made you happy in the past that had nothing to do with being a parent or a spouse. Just remember that younger version of you and what made you smile! Warm hugs!