I struggle with decisions! Do you? I mean some days to decide what to do, what to eat, what to wear can be an overwhelming energy sucking action. Today I figured out to a very deep and conscious level where this difficulty was born—my childhood.
Growing up meant being controlled. My mother was very domineering and my mission as a child was to make that woman happy! When she was unhappy with me I felt terrible—emotionally.
To live peacefully in my household (particularly under the age of 13) I simply had to accept whatever I was told to do and do it; I kept my thoughts to myself and followed the rules. For instance, in elementary school up until fourth grade, I had absolutely no autonomy over what to wear. My mother made my clothes, picked the material she liked and sewed mostly dresses. I didn’t like dresses; I often didn’t like the material chosen and to boot I was forced to wear matching hand sewn bloomers. My outfits were hung up in the closet by the day of the week I was to wear them. No discussion.
How does that translate into adult life? Well, it sends the child into adulthood lacking a necessary skill that was never really formed. Children need opportunities to practice making decisions because as adults we all know that life is nothing but a series of decisions to be made. Making choices and learning from our mistakes is how we grow into successful and productive adults.
So for me it wasn’t until I was18 years of age and off to college before I began to grow my decision making muscle. I made a choice not to involve my mother and began making choices entirely on my own. I chose my major and the career I wished to pursue. College for me was incredibly satisfying because I made my own choices. It was the first time in my life I felt empowered.
Financial decisions were mine as well. Since my parents could not afford my tuition and living expenses, I worked, saved money and applied for loans and grants to get me through. Again, I decided how to spend and allocate my money. Every choice I made was my own and each time I chose, my decision muscle grew. For this reason alone, college was worth every pretty penny invested.
Within one year after finishing my education with a teaching credential, I married the man I had met and dated since my freshman year in college. Throughout the nearly 5 1/2 years we dated, I was independent. We didn’t live together and we didn’t combine incomes. He had no say in my lifestyle choices nor I in his, but this all changed when we married.
With therapy I’ve learned that without thoroughly understanding your childhood, we will more than likely marry someone who reflects an unhealed part of our childhood—for me this was my controlling mother who morphed into a controlling husband. When I asked my therapist Pam, “Why did I marry someone like my mother?” She replied, “That was your norm. That is what felt right. So you married what felt right to you based on your upbringing.”
Controlling someone actually means taking away the opportunity for another to make choices. It really doesn’t matter why the controller does what she/he does, the result is the same—the one controlled feels limited in his/her power to make decisions. Period. And without practice, how can we get better at anything?
After 45 years of having other people take on the bulk of my decision making, let’s just say my decision brain muscle atrophied. Now that I’m fully aware of that muscle needing a workout, I’m doing my best to build up its strength once again and believe me, it is not easy. There are days I still have to withdraw from people, social media, the phone and computer in order to regain the energy necessary to make a good decision when life necessitates it.
Sometimes it takes hours, days and even weeks of rumination to make a decision especially when it comes to how to spend money. I feel like a deer in the headlights, paralyzed with indecision. The energy it takes up to arrive at a decision is at times debilitating. Throughout my journey to heal from divorce and estrangement, I’ve learned a great deal about choices and I’d like to share what I now know with you.
The first step is awareness. Discover why decision making is seemingly so difficult for you. Take the time to explore what in your past contributed to making decisions such a challenge. Once you understand the why, you can proceed with how to do things differently beginning today onward. You have the power to change the way you approach decisions. Reverse your thought from I’m scared to make a decision to No matter what decision I make, I’m going to learn!
Second, it is important to accept that you will make mistakes despite all the time and energy you use to decide. Accept and embrace that you made the best choice you could and sometimes it will simply not produce the result you had hoped for.
Third, sometimes there isn’t any easy or correct path when making a decision. Sometimes there are infinite possibilities and it is virtually impossible to predetermine which is the best course of action to take because all the options may be good (or good enough) or there may be no good choice.
Fourth, after doing your fair share of thinking it through, it’s time to let the chips fall wherever they may land. Make the decision, step away and stop thinking about it. If things don’t work out, life will allow you to make changes. And if they do work out, stand back and congratulate yourself!
Last, give yourself self-compassion. For those of you fellow decision making sufferers, understand that more than likely your childhood and subsequent important relationships have kept you handcuffed. Today is a new day and with it comes the ability to do things differently. So make the decision you need to make with awareness and acceptance that with practice (AKA mental strength training), each future decision will eventually become easier to make. It’s the tiny changes we do daily that create drastic changes over time.
Your homework: Invite opportunities into your life to decide. Practice! Practice! Practice!