I’m exhausted! I’ve worked virtually non-stop for two weeks and most of what I’m doing is physically demanding at this time. Today was no exception–beginning at 6:30 AM and finishing at 5:30 PM. When I get to a certain level of tired, I want to cry.
What I find interesting are my thoughts. Most people probably go to bed, or rest, or drink, or smoke, or get high. I’m doing none of those things. Instead I’m catching myself obsessively thinking about my eldest daughter Marie.
For the last few months, I’ve heard less and less from her. The pain is beginning to well up inside of me again, like it did during our estrangement. I’ve been trying my best to ignore the unanswered phone calls and texts and instead work on other things or think about ways to open up the door of communication.
Since she moved back in with her father at the end February in 2023, she has dealt with health issues that have progressively gotten worse and has additionally sought therapy to lessen anxiety. My youngest daughter made it clear that she doesn’t want to be the connector, nor should she, between Marie and I. That said, I have no idea how Marie is doing; she no longer shares and I refuse to ask her sister Grace.
I’ve been hoping that once out of her father’s home she would reach out once more. I understand it’s only been five days living independently once again, but I’m scared. I’m always scared. I never know when might be the last time I’ll hear from her.
Sometimes during moments of despair, I contemplate whether it would be easier if I could cut her off and pretend she doesn’t exist. The fear of losing her again or wondering if I already have or shortly will is too big. So when I go a day without reaching out, I realize cutting her off would be worse. I can’t because I love that girl more than she could ever comprehend. Maybe someday when she has children of her own she’ll be able to understand.
The one piece of solace I often return to is knowing that Marie’s estrangement didn’t kill me. So I’m certain that whatever happens between us, I’ll be OK. I will get through it. Our estrangement gave me the awareness that there isn’t much I can’t handle and that I’m strong.
In moments of strength I realize that that experience created a better version of myself. I have more compassion for myself and others. I know I’m capable of loving unconditionally with nothing, not even a word, in return. I learned that it is still possible to enjoy life even with the hole in my heart–the hole in my life when Marie was not in it.
I also know I have a tool to deal with days such as this and that is writing. When life seems overwhelming, it’s time to write. As I near the end of this blog, I’m already feeling better. I’ll be OK! And I’m going to keep sending her daily texts with hearts, questions about her life and “I love you!”
To the Readers:
Choose to keep going. Choose to show up to life. Choose to find fun things to do. Choose to become a stronger and better version of yourself. Choose YOU to live for!
Hugs!