How do I navigate the pain created by my ex-husband and an estrangement which ended two years ago?
How do I remain calm and do what is right for my daughter who is unable to love both parents freely?
This is an email I just sent to my therapist who specializes in the personality disorder of my mother and ex husband.
Dear Michelle,
I am reliving my experience with Grace when she lived with her dad. I’ll give an example. It’s Mother’s Day. Grace and I had planned to see a movie in the afternoon and go out to a really nice restaurant-reservations made weeks in advance. Something was off the night before because she wouldn’t confirm plans. No texting. No calls. Nothing. I didn’t want to push her away like I had Marie.
The next day I got a Mother’s Day text at noon. She explained she was out hot tub shopping with her father. She should be back in time to take a shower and make it to dinner. Hopefully it would be before the reservation at six so we could spend more time together. The following texts were to let me know she was running late, but she should make it on time to my house to make it to our reservation.
Luckily Maria was with me that day and as the day progressed I got sadder and sicker inside. Of all days to take Grace out shopping! I, of course, never heard a word from Marie. We were in the thick of the estrangement and that sadness was too deep to even discuss. Maria told me to try to stop crying (to get my eyes less puffy), get dressed and be ready for Grace. Reluctantly, I did. Maria wiped the last of my tears right before Grace entered the door after being dropped off at the curb by her father.
Fast forward. Marie and I just spoke. I asked last week if she would be willing to come and stay the night at her sister’s apartment in Santa Cruz. I had a free few days and wanted to see them both. Marie said she would get back with me, but definitely didn’t plan on spending the night. She could come and spend a day, however. I also offered to come to visit her (even though she was now living with her dad) and she said she would prefer that. She doesn’t like to drive.
Getting on with the conversation…Marie had plans with her friends to go out to lunch on Sunday, so Sunday was a no go. As Grace said, “Mom, how often does she spend time with us together?” I felt the same thing, but I didn’t want to say it. I then asked about Monday, but I reminded her she had an appointment. Could she come after? Since she had a class the next morning at 8:00 until 5:00 on Tuesday. She said it would be too much coming out the evening before.
Wednesday was the jugular. I lived my experience with Mother’s Day all over again. Wednesday wouldn’t work because she had promised her father to go pool table shopping in San Jose (only 30 minutes from Santa Cruz). My heart sank. I was traumatized once again. I was reliving Mother’s Day five years prior.
I now live over eight hours away from each of my daughters and the opportunities are limited for me to come and visit. My ex knows that I am coming for a visit. Aren’t there other days to go pool table shopping? A healthy divorce would mean a little work around so that his daughter could see her mother. Marie was currently living with him once again and planned on living in his rental property only a block away beginning in the fall. I’m up for a few days. She is living with him full time. This is difficult, so difficult, to remain calm and not take things personally.
I wanted to call Grace immediately, but I didn’t. Through her own therapy, she has become aware of the roll she has played throughout the years in trying to create peace between her father’s anger towards me and our (Grace’s and mine) shared pain at having missed out on time together to thwart that anger.
My former therapist had advised me to not look at the amount of time together and instead focus on making the time we do have amazing. I know this still holds true. But do you have anything else to suggest Michelle?
My fear is if I don’t see Marie on this visit, Warren will use that as ammunition that I wouldn’t make time for her and that it is obvious I love Grace more. He did that once with Grace. He told her she couldn’t see me during COVID because Maria worked at a cigar shop with the public. When I said I wouldn’t follow his rules in my own home he said, “You see. Mom picked Maria over you.” It almost destroyed Grace and I. And then for fear of losing her in addition to Marie, I DID ban Maria for eight days.
When Marie left Southern California a little over a month ago, I expressed concern about not seeing her. She said, “Mom, I’d love to visit you down south. I’ll even drive and bring the dogs.” So I asked her today if perhaps she could find a weekend or we could wait until she had a break and I could fly her down. She followed up with mumbling explanations about classes and school and…then she had to get off the phone. She had arrived at her friend’s house.
Will this ever end? I have worked at therapy for nearly ten years. I wrote my book which healed many of the wounds from my marriage, the divorce and the estrangement. But yet, there are times like these, it’s like all that healing never happened.
All I want is peace. Peace for my daughters, for myself and even for my ex, Warren. Warren, can’t you please see that each child needs and wants to love BOTH parents? There is plenty of space in each of our children to love us both! I can create that space for them. I only wish you could too.